How to PR a 5K

3-5 months prior

• Sign up–and train for– your first half marathon. 

1 month prior

• Casually mention race to your boyfriend.  Suggest that you run the 10K relay as a twosome.   Subtly infer that you will beat him.

2 weeks prior

• Run your first half marathon.  Live to tell (and write) about it.
• Decide that the twosome is a dumb idea.  Tell boyfriend it won’t work out for scheduling reasons.
• Have boyfriend convince you to re-consider.  Confirm with him that he’s serious. 
• Sign up both the bf and  yourself for the race.  Realize there’s no turning back.
• Convince some friends to sign up.

The week before

• Run exactly twice.   For no more than 3 miles.  Call it “speedwork” even though you’re going at an 11:30 pace.

The day before

• Remind your friends to hydrate. 
• Drink lots of coffee.
• Fail to hydrate yourself.

The night before

• Go out for happy hour.  Have approximately 5 beers.  Fail to eat dinner.
• Get greasy drive through burger, fries, and mozerella sticks approximately 10:30 p.m.
• Go to another bar and have 2 more beers.
• Wait up for the boyfriend to get home.
• Go to bed around 2:30 a.m.
• Toss and turn all night.

The day of the race

• Get up at 8 a.m. with a MAXIMUM of 3 straight hours of sleep.
• Attempt to hydrate.  Take some Tylenol.  Let the dog out.  Will the room to stop spinning.
• Fail to find armband for the iPhone.  Decide this run doesn’t need to be documented.
• Get the bf up at 8:30.  Calmly mention the race starts at 9:00.
• Drive to race site.  Listen to boyfriend complain about agreeing to sign up.
• Arrive at 8:45.  Find friends.  Give boyfriend keys.  Make way to starting line.

During race

• Start the first quarter mile or so with super-speedy friend.  The one who just had a baby and still runs WAY faster than you. Begin to eat her dust as she pulls out ahead.
• Realize that although the course is a boring loop you’ve run three times before, it’s not so bad.
• Pass Mile one.  Get time.  10:12.  Not bad.
• Pass the halfway point.  Hear people yell your name.  Realize it’s not the boyfriend. Momentarily worry that he has actually fallen asleep on the ground somewhere.
• Pass Mile two.  Get time.  21:00.  Not bad at all.  Feel PR coming.
• Decide that if you push it you can get in under 30:00
• Feel a teeny bit pukey.  Decide that 30 is maybe pushing it a bit.
• Near the hill at the end.  Realize you’re almost there.  See your super-speedy friend who has already finished.
• Receive encouragement from a lady in a sports bra and biker shorts as you charge up the hill at the end.
• Pass off your baton (aka tongue depressor) to the boyfriend.   Ask for your time.
• Feel vaguely like puking.  But hold it in.
• Do not receive a time.   Ask for it again.
• Hear some random person say 32.  
• Realize that this is almost a 3 minute PR.  Continue to hold back puking.

Post-race

• Grab some water and wait for your friends who are running the open 5K to finish.
• Remember (too late) that they finish at a different spot.
• Meet up with friends to wait for the boyfriend to finish.
• Curse the fact that you didn’t look at your watch at the beginning.  Nor did you have your phone/RunKeeper.
• Get in trouble for ogling a good-looking roofer.
• Respond “no” when someone asks if that’s the boyfriend coming towards the finish line.
• Realize that you do not recognize your own boyfriend when he’s running.
• Cheer boyfriend on as he crosses the finish line.  Offer water and cookie that are respectfully declined.
• Ask boyfriend what the final time was. 
• Do the math in your head.
• Lament the fact that said boyfriend, who is not a runner, and hasn’t trained ONE MINUTE for this race has beaten you. 
• Listen as boyfriend describes excruciating pain he’s in and states that he’s never doing anything like it again.
• Go to derby practice and revel in the fact that he will be unable to walk the next day.

That, my friends, is a sure-fire way to break your 5K PR.  It’s *technically* my 3rd PR in 6 weeks (the other two were default PRs since they were new distances), but I don’t have official results since only the relay is timed.   I’m 100% confident I could’ve broken 30 if I hadn’t been hungover, sleep deprived, and just a teeny bit bored.

Advertisement