If a Tree Falls in the Blogosphere…

Does anyone hear it?? I’ve completely neglected this blog. Not because nothing interesting has happened. In fact, TONS of interesting stuff has happened in the last couple of weeks. But in a bad way.

No, I’ve been absent for a number of other reasons a) i’ve been dealing with other stuff that I’m not sure I want to share with the world, however anonymously b) it appears people are only coming to the blog for photos and c) I just haven’t felt the need to write.

When I decided to start this blog, I thought it would be a fun way to write about stuff I didn’t feel comfortable sharing on my mySpace blog. For that reason, I didn’t promote it to my friends and family, I don’t have pictures or links to the “real” me… I guess I (vainly) thought blogging was like Field of Dreams; If you blog it, they will come.

But I realize now that having a successful blog takes commitment… daily writing, interesting posts, promotion. I guess I could do that. If nothing else, I need to get back to posting every day. But do I really want to go through the work to promote my blog? Especially since I don’t know what I’m writing about? Or why?

The other challenge is how much personal stuff to share… 99% of the things I want to write about have to do with friends/family/coworkers…. but I don’t want to give too much away.

Anyway, this is a long meandering post. . . with very little resolution. Maybe I’ll figure it out one day.
~Peace

Permanent Adolescence

I’m not 100% sure where this post will take me, but I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head the last few days and I feel the need to get them out.  Maybe I’ll edit it later.  Maybe not.

I wrote a list of “things to do with my life” on the plane the other day.  I couldn’t find a piece of paper so I found an ad in my magazine with the most amount of white space and just started furiously writing… curiously enough, the ad was for Ketel One vodka.  I’m sure that’s somehow significant.  If I can get to a scanner, I’ll post it.  Very interesting.

I don’t know what my problem is.  I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed.  I’m not anxious.  I’m just, well, restless.  I feel like life is passing me by and that there has to be something more fun/exciting/INTERESTING to do.  But I don’t know what it is.

I feel like I’m in a permanent adolescence.  I keep WAITING for my life to start.  To “happen.”   I spent my high school years working towards getting into college.  In college, I spent time working towards getting a “good job”  in the “real world.”  Now that I have that, I want more.  But what, exactly, do I want?

A boyfriend?

A different job?

Kids?

I honestly don’t know.  I don’t think just another job/change of pace is going to be enough.  I feel like I need a whole different lifestyle.  A different ME.   Maybe that’s what it is… I’m bored with myself.

Ugh.  What a horrible thought.

I knew I was bored.  Lately I’ve been finding my work boring, my friends boring, even my “fun” boring… but have *I* become boring to myself as well?   And is there anything worse that boring YOURSELF?

I realize there are real problems in this world, but I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels waiting for something to happen to me.    Yeah, I have a lot of “fun.”  I have great friends, lots of plans… but am I using that just to bide my time?  Where is the meaning?

Lately I’ve been thinking I should go back to school. Become an academic.  I just think that world is better suited to me.  But I don’t have anything I like well enough to devote that much time to it.  Maybe my practicality is getting the better of me.

Then I think maybe I’ll follow my long-lost dream of joining the Peace Corps. It’s only 2 years.  But then WHAT?  Will I be 2 years “behind”?  Will what I gain from that experience make up for all that I’ll be missing here?

There’s that famous quote (maybe from Elanor Roosevelt?) about doing something every day that scares you.  Have I become so complacent that I’m not working with “the Fear” anymore?  What’s the worst that would happen to me?

I need an adventure. Something I can really sink my teeth into.  Not staining the fence or painting the garage.  Not going on a solo trip out East (although I’m seriously reconsidering that one at this point).  I need to do something meaningful… adventurous… interesting.

Do I sound like a broken record yet? It’s the same old thing… but I don’t know where to start. I guess the fact that there’s no “magic” answer is what’s killing me.  There’s no playbook.  No script.  I’ve been following the predetermined script of my life for so long, I don’t know how to get off.  I just mixed my metaphors.  But you know what I mean.

I sound like a whiny bitch.  I get it.  But maybe just recognizing the problem will bring me one step closer to solving it.  Whatever that means.

Still bored

Still bored.  Still haven’t worked out.  Went to Braves game. Some super nice people let me sit with them, but I left after dinner.  Came back to the room.  Fucked around online for a while.  Hit the hotel bar.  Had a mexican appetizer and 2 glasses of wine.  Bored out of my mind.  Should go to bed, but I’m having a hard time sleeping.

Watching the returns for the democratic primaries.  Indiana still up for grabs.  I’m starting to get mad at Hilary.  I like her, but I wish she’d drop out.  I’m gonna be pissed if this fucks things up for Barack.

Traveling sucks right now.  Grrrrr…..

Saturday freewrite

Unfortunately, I’ve been up for over an hour already, but still haven’t managed to get anything done.  And I have TONS of shit to do. 

Last night was fun.  Work peeps.  Regular peeps.  Friends.  Friends of friends.  I didn’t do as good of a job “connecting” as I’d hoped, but-hey- I had a good time. 

Except next time I do happy hour I really need to eat.  I always tell myself this and I never do it.  After not eating, I went thru McDonald’s on the way home.  BAD idea for a couple of reasons 1) I hit the drive thru window with my car mirror and now I have to figure out how to put it back on and 2) I ate crappy food late and night and I’m now paying the price.  Ugh.

It’s really too bad that I couldn’t just walk home from the bar.  That would save me from driving AND late night eating.

Like I said, I have 100 things to do today and I just don’t feel like doing any of them.  But none are really “optional” so that sucks.  I’d kinda like to have a date with my couch and America’s Next Top Model,, but instead I’m doing yard work, picking up dry cleaning, cleaning the house, packing, and all that other fun stuff.  Yuk.

Oh, and I’m soooo perplexed by my blog stats.  I realize this isn’t interesting to anyone but me.  But everyone is going to LAST week’s Lost post and hardly anyone is going to the most recent one.  Wonder what that’s all about.  Weird.

Anyway, I’ve got lots of thoughts running through my head, but no way to put them together sensically (see what I mean… sensically??) so I’ll just stop now.  And attempt productivity.

I’ve got nothing to say…

So, I gave up on my “morning freewrites” this weekend because yesterday I was too hungover to write coherently and today I couldn’t think of anything to write.

I’ve been hanging out all day thinking that I’d have some sort of epiphany and the perfect post would just pop into my head. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of “deep” stuff to write about. But I tried that yesterday and it didn’t work so well for me. I think I have to be in the right mood for deep.

I’m also still waiting for the funny post that I know I have in me. I’m generally a funny person. And I’ve even been capable of writing funny stuff, but for some reason, humor has escaped me since starting this blog.

However, I’m committed to writing something–anything– at least daily, so here goes nothing…

Things I’ve done today (in no particular order)

• Watched a marathon of America’s Next Top Model. The season where Eva wins. I’ve seen it at least 4 times
• Ordered pizza online. I’ve had pizza delivered to my house maybe 3 times since I’ve lived here and I’ve never ordered it online. Talk about a new level of laziness.
• Talked to my grandma on the phone. She called me, so I don’t get brownie points
• Did the dishes, laundry is 2/3 done
• Uploaded pix from the weekend to mySpace
• Left the house once- to get ice cream. Again, lazy. And horrible food choices.

Things I haven’t done today

• Work out
• Shower (as of 9 pm, I showered… so it goes in the list above!)
• Finish paying bills
• Sweep/mom the floors
• Read my book
• Consult my to-do list

There you have it… my not-so-exciting day in a nutshell. Time to get back on the couch. I’m sure there’s a re-run I haven’t seen, and I know there are unwatched Netflix lying around. But, honestly, I won’t watch them, either. Too much of a time commitment (not that 5 hours of ANTM wasn’t a time commitment, but, well– it’s different!)

Stuck in the airport

So, I’m stuck in the airport and you’re stuck reading this free-form blog post…. (okay, you’re not STUCK reading it, but I’ll feel better if you do!)

Long story short:  Plane didn’t leave on time. Then we sat on the runway for 45 mins.  Missed my connecting flight.  Got an 8:10 p.m. flight… which has now become 8:45.  Should get into Nawlins around 11, which means my big night out will be spend in the airport. Ugh.  But the good news is that I have a traveling partner, wifi, and an expense account, so I’ll survive.

There was the worlds most annoying lady on the plane out here… she was talking SO LOUD about very non-interesting stuff: her job at a scientific association, her husband and farming (telling a whole plane of people from central illinois the ins and outs of farming… stuff that *I* even know… lame). 

I’m a pretty social person, but I’m not one to strike up convos w/people on planes. I’m content to just read my book/listen to  my ipod and chill.   I did chat w/someone who knows someone I know, so that was entertaining for a while… and then I saw this guy I used to know.  Couldn’t place him, but thanks to the wonders of wifi, I solved that mystery.

After we made it to Ohare, it was time to eat, pee, and find our gate.  Then I got coffee.  Now I’m at another gate.  So here I am, bored out of my mind. I should’ve started my book earlier. I bet I’d almost be done with it by now. Oh, well.  My eyes hurt too much to read.

The guy next to me has the exact same laptop I do… except mine is red.  The guy on the other side is reading Discovery magazine and has enormous feet.  Other than that, nothing too exciting going on at the gate.

At the risk of sounding too Polyanna-ish, it does give me some time to reflect (again) on When the Levees Broke.   Don’t get me wrong… it sucks to be stuck in the airport.  And my ass hurts from waiting for so long.  BUt think of those people who had to wait for days and days to get help. 

And once it did come, they didn’t have a nice, cushy Hilton to go to.  They got seperated from their families, friends, pets… they didn’t have homes to go to!  The very airport I’m anxious to get to they were anxious to get OUT of…they slept in the terminals awaiting flights to God only knows where.

I’ve been waiting for a little over 8 hours.  These people waited for 4, 5, even 6 days for basic essentials: food, water, medicine.  I cannot even imagine.

So, I’m not gonna complain.  I have tons of food choices, alcohol, and even–yes– internet access.  Life could be a whole lot worse!