“I’ll take things that Suck for $100” please–classic post

First published: Wednesday, January 23, 2008
via mySpace

I’ll take “Things that Suck” for $100, please

So today I was trying to avoid actually working at work, and I came across Why Things Suck from Wired magazine. In it, they list 33 different things that drive them (and us) crazy.

While I agree completely that batteries, office copy machines, and traffic truly suck, I take issue a little with their section on “junk mail.” As someone who makes their living off sending junk mail (I mean direct marketing pieces) to thousands of people every year, I’d like to think my work is a little less “sucky,” but I can certainly appreciate its suckiness from the consumer perspective.

But I digress. This list made me think about what things I would put on such a list. Obviously, there are things like death/disease/racism/inequality/hunger/war/global warming etc. that suck… but what about the little every day things?

So, here’s my list… in no particular order:

Mexican Food (or at least what they call “Mexican” in Central Illinois)

I think I’m the only person I know who doesn’t LOVE Mexican. It’s not that I’ll never eat it… but it would never be my first choice

Illinois Winters

The only good thing about winter in Illinois is that it’s over relatively quickly. Yeah, the snow is pretty, but we rarely get it. Usually we’re stuck with cold, gray, dreary days.

Quentin Tarantino Movies

Sorry… but it’s true: they suck. I realize I’ve lost hipster cred with that statement. Not that I had any to begin with.

Litter boxes

I totally want a cat. And I’d get one if I didn’t have to deal with the suckiness of a litter box


Yeah, I like a clean house… and I like the lemony-fresh scent of cleaning products, but cleaning itself just sucks.


I could actually spend a whole blog on food-related suckiness, but I won’t. And I actually had a buffet today. But, in general, they suck. Bad food. Poor presentation. Questionable sanitation. Suckiness abounds.

Jagermeister and Kahlua

Again, I sound like a hypocrite ‘cuz I’ve had both of these recently. But they both suck. Seriously!


The older I get, the worse they become. No one *likes* to be hungover (see above suckiness of Jager and Kahlua)


Face it… camping sucks. Yeah, it’s fun to be with friends, drink beer, and “get away,” but what part of sleeping on the ground with a bunch of animals and dirt is appealing?


I’m not talking the “I’m so bored I filled out this mySpace survey” or “I’m so bored I was reading Wired magazine online” type of boredom. I’m talking REAL boredom where even your time-suck activities bore you. Green Day once sang: “When masturbation’s lost its fun, you’re fucking lazy.” Similarly, when you’re too bored to waste hours online… it SUCKS!

Owner’s manuals

Who reads these things? They’re poorly written, useless, and at least 4 times longer than they need to be due to the multiple languages.


Yeah, it’s great to eat healthy. And it’s great to lose weight. But dieting sucks. Period.

Shower games

I’m glad you’re having a baby/getting married, whatever. Just don’t make me play a sucky game.

Performance Evaluations

Who has *ever* looked forward to being “critiqued” on their “performance”? Yuk.


It sucks being in debt. Even “good debt” sucks. I hate owing people anything.

Medical Shows

I can’t stand to watch anyone get cut open, stitched, stuck with a needle, etc. Especially not on TV.

The Outdoor Channel

My brother watches it… A bunch of guys walking around the woods/mountains/lakes waiting to catch/shoot an unsuspecting animal. What’s the point?


I love laying out in the sun. I find working out tolerable… But I can’t STAND sweating. It’s gross. And don’t give me that “it’s sexy when guys sweat” line. ‘Cuz it’s not.

Fat-free cheese

I can handle a lot of fat-free/low-fat/low-calorie/healthy food. But fat free cheese just plain sucks. It’s like non-alcoholic beer. What’s the point?

Waiting (for anything)

It just sucks. Do you know anyone who actually ENJOYS standing in line? Didn’t think so.


They’re creepy, only come out in the dark and are just, essentially, sucky!

The “new” Star Wars trilogy

To be fair, I’ve only seen the ‘first’ one, but it sucked bad enough for all of them

Bad sex

Sorry if this offends you, but there’s nothing worse than actually agreeing to sleep with someone and then have it turn out to be sucky. I’d rather eat at a Mexican buffet where they only had fat-free cheese before I’d intentionally have bad sex.

Shopping for houses/cars/big ticket items

So much pressure. So much money. Sucks.


Doesn’t matter if it’s the end of a long-term relationship, a casual friendship or something in between, it always sucks when someone who used to be in your life isn’t… even if it’s for the best.

TJ Maxx

I don’t care if they have great stuff for dirt cheap, I HATE sifting thru that store. Same goes for Goodwill, Gordman’s and any other store where you have to “hunt” for stuff.


Okay, Facebook itself doesn’t suck. It has lots of features I find superior to mySpace… but all the “applications” annoy the F out of me: you’ve been bitten by a zombie, someone sent you a hug, someone gave you a shot. I don’t understand all this crap. I don’t like adding it… but I feel bad for hitting “ignore” on people who are perfectly nice.

MySpace Blogs

While we’re on the subject, I think its totally sucky that you have to search and search and search for older mySpace blogs. I mean, how hard would it be to put a “more” button at the bottom of each page??

Spell check

The idea of spell-check doesn’t suck. In fact, it’s pretty much a life-saver. But the fact that spell check doesn’t catch ALL my errors and lets words like: “pubic” slip for “public” earns it a spot on my sucky list.


I hate making appointments, trying to round people up to get together. I like to *have* a schedule, I just don’t like to make them.


Whether being turned down for a job interview or getting rejected by a potential date, it just sucks when there’s something/someone that you really want and you don’t get it.

Cold sores/sunburns/mosquito bites/chapped lips

You know, all those annoying little things that don’t quite qualify as “injuries” but still kinda suck?

Screaming kids

If I decide to write a “things that don’t suck” blog, I’ll mos def include an entry about how great babies/kids are. But not when they cry. Sorry, it just sucks.

The following words: cunt, twat, beaver, cock
(honorable mention: va-jay-jay)

Sorry, again, if I’ve offended you, but –believe me—those words were hard enough to write. Just call it what it is. Or nothing. (for some reasons words like pussy, dick, and the ubiquitous “wiener” don’t really bother me.. I don’t know why, but they don’t)

The American legal/prison system

We don’t need to go into specifics, but I think we can all agree that—for the most part—it sucks, right? Not that laws aren’t important, but there’s GOT to be a better way to do the whole “crime and punishment” thing…

Grocery shopping

Sorry, but I hate it. It sucks to drop a bunch of $$ on stuff and then have to turn around and buy the same stuff two weeks later.

Bad songwriting

I can’t stand songs with bad lyrics. I’ll listen to a well-written cheesy pop song any day over something that rhymes “oh” with “ho.” It’s called creativity. Get some.

Awkward silences

They really are awkward… and they suck. Really.

And, the 1 thing that sucks (even though this list is in no particular order)…


I struggled with this one for a while. First, I had “boys” because, statistically speaking, boys suck more than girls. But I realized it wasn’t fair to the 4 or 5 non-sucky boys left in the world. Then I thought that “mean people” would suffice, but that’s on a bumper sticker somewhere. THEN… I decided to just say “people who aren’t me” to cover all my bases.

But lets face it, we all suck. Even me. Granted, some of us suck more than others, but at some point, we all suck. And if it weren’t for people, some of the other sucky stuff on this list (TJ Maxx, Performance Evaluations, litter boxes) wouldn’t even exist. So, yeah… I’d say—in general—people suck.

Given that all these things suck, I’ll leave you with a quote from the Wired article (‘cuz I know you didn’t go read it or anything)

“I would say the only things that truly suck are those things you cannot control,” she says. “All other sucky shit can get unsucked just by changing your perspective a degree or two, or just doing something about it.”–Sarah Silverman

So, there you have it… my list of 39(?) Things that Suck. What do you think? What sucky things have I missed?


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