Permanent Adolescence

I’m not 100% sure where this post will take me, but I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head the last few days and I feel the need to get them out.  Maybe I’ll edit it later.  Maybe not.

I wrote a list of “things to do with my life” on the plane the other day.  I couldn’t find a piece of paper so I found an ad in my magazine with the most amount of white space and just started furiously writing… curiously enough, the ad was for Ketel One vodka.  I’m sure that’s somehow significant.  If I can get to a scanner, I’ll post it.  Very interesting.

I don’t know what my problem is.  I’m not unhappy. I’m not depressed.  I’m not anxious.  I’m just, well, restless.  I feel like life is passing me by and that there has to be something more fun/exciting/INTERESTING to do.  But I don’t know what it is.

I feel like I’m in a permanent adolescence.  I keep WAITING for my life to start.  To “happen.”   I spent my high school years working towards getting into college.  In college, I spent time working towards getting a “good job”  in the “real world.”  Now that I have that, I want more.  But what, exactly, do I want?

A boyfriend?

A different job?

Kids?

I honestly don’t know.  I don’t think just another job/change of pace is going to be enough.  I feel like I need a whole different lifestyle.  A different ME.   Maybe that’s what it is… I’m bored with myself.

Ugh.  What a horrible thought.

I knew I was bored.  Lately I’ve been finding my work boring, my friends boring, even my “fun” boring… but have *I* become boring to myself as well?   And is there anything worse that boring YOURSELF?

I realize there are real problems in this world, but I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels waiting for something to happen to me.    Yeah, I have a lot of “fun.”  I have great friends, lots of plans… but am I using that just to bide my time?  Where is the meaning?

Lately I’ve been thinking I should go back to school. Become an academic.  I just think that world is better suited to me.  But I don’t have anything I like well enough to devote that much time to it.  Maybe my practicality is getting the better of me.

Then I think maybe I’ll follow my long-lost dream of joining the Peace Corps. It’s only 2 years.  But then WHAT?  Will I be 2 years “behind”?  Will what I gain from that experience make up for all that I’ll be missing here?

There’s that famous quote (maybe from Elanor Roosevelt?) about doing something every day that scares you.  Have I become so complacent that I’m not working with “the Fear” anymore?  What’s the worst that would happen to me?

I need an adventure. Something I can really sink my teeth into.  Not staining the fence or painting the garage.  Not going on a solo trip out East (although I’m seriously reconsidering that one at this point).  I need to do something meaningful… adventurous… interesting.

Do I sound like a broken record yet? It’s the same old thing… but I don’t know where to start. I guess the fact that there’s no “magic” answer is what’s killing me.  There’s no playbook.  No script.  I’ve been following the predetermined script of my life for so long, I don’t know how to get off.  I just mixed my metaphors.  But you know what I mean.

I sound like a whiny bitch.  I get it.  But maybe just recognizing the problem will bring me one step closer to solving it.  Whatever that means.

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