3-5 months prior
- Sign up–and train for– your first half marathon.
1 month prior
- Casually mention race to your boyfriend. Suggest that you run the 10K relay as a twosome. Subtly infer that you will beat him.
2 weeks prior
- Run your first half marathon. Live to tell (and write) about it.
- Decide that the twosome is a dumb idea. Tell boyfriend it won’t work out for scheduling reasons.
- Have boyfriend convince you to re-consider. Confirm with him that he’s serious.
- Sign up both the bf and yourself for the race. Realize there’s no turning back.
- Convince some friends to sign up.
The week before
- Run exactly twice. For no more than 3 miles. Call it “speedwork” even though you’re going at an 11:30 pace.
The day before
- Remind your friends to hydrate.
- Drink lots of coffee.
- Fail to hydrate yourself.
The night before
- Go out for happy hour. Have approximately 5 beers. Fail to eat dinner.
- Get greasy drive through burger, fries, and mozerella sticks approximately 10:30 p.m.
- Go to another bar and have 2 more beers.
- Wait up for the boyfriend to get home.
- Go to bed around 2:30 a.m.
- Toss and turn all night.
The day of the race
- Get up at 8 a.m. with a MAXIMUM of 3 straight hours of sleep.
- Attempt to hydrate. Take some Tylenol. Let the dog out. Will the room to stop spinning.
- Fail to find armband for the iPhone. Decide this run doesn’t need to be documented.
- Get the bf up at 8:30. Calmly mention the race starts at 9:00.
- Drive to race site. Listen to boyfriend complain about agreeing to sign up.
- Arrive at 8:45. Find friends. Give boyfriend keys. Make way to starting line.
- Start the first quarter mile or so with super-speedy friend. The one who just had a baby and still runs WAY faster than you. Begin to eat her dust as she pulls out ahead.
- Realize that although the course is a boring loop you’ve run three times before, it’s not so bad.
- Pass Mile one. Get time. 10:12. Not bad.
- Pass the halfway point. Hear people yell your name. Realize it’s not the boyfriend. Momentarily worry that he has actually fallen asleep on the ground somewhere.
- Pass Mile two. Get time. 21:00. Not bad at all. Feel PR coming.
- Decide that if you push it you can get in under 30:00
- Feel a teeny bit pukey. Decide that 30 is maybe pushing it a bit.
- Near the hill at the end. Realize you’re almost there. See your super-speedy friend who has already finished.
- Receive encouragement from a lady in a sports bra and biker shorts as you charge up the hill at the end.
- Pass off your baton (aka tongue depressor) to the boyfriend. Ask for your time.
- Feel vaguely like puking. But hold it in.
- Do not receive a time. Ask for it again.
- Hear some random person say 32.
- Realize that this is almost a 3 minute PR. Continue to hold back puking.
- Grab some water and wait for your friends who are running the open 5K to finish.
- Remember (too late) that they finish at a different spot.
- Meet up with friends to wait for the boyfriend to finish.
- Curse the fact that you didn’t look at your watch at the beginning. Nor did you have your phone/RunKeeper.
- Get in trouble for ogling a good-looking roofer.
- Respond “no” when someone asks if that’s the boyfriend coming towards the finish line.
- Realize that you do not recognize your own boyfriend when he’s running.
- Cheer boyfriend on as he crosses the finish line. Offer water and cookie that are respectfully declined.
- Ask boyfriend what the final time was.
- Do the math in your head.
- Lament the fact that said boyfriend, who is not a runner, and hasn’t trained ONE MINUTE for this race has beaten you.
- Listen as boyfriend describes excruciating pain he’s in and states that he’s never doing anything like it again.
- Go to derby practice and revel in the fact that he will be unable to walk the next day.
That, my friends, is a sure-fire way to break your 5K PR. It’s *technically* my 3rd PR in 6 weeks (the other two were default PRs since they were new distances), but I don’t have official results since only the relay is timed. I’m 100% confident I could’ve broken 30 if I hadn’t been hungover, sleep deprived, and just a teeny bit bored.